Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
