I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need water and some morals
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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