Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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