So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
