I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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