shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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