I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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