Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
