my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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