He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
