the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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