the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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