What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
