I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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