I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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