Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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