I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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