We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
