Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
