we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
