My underwear smells like fireworks.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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