Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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