Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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