Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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