Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
