hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
