You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Everyone says I win the strip club
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
