last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
