I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
