sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
