Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
