He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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