oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
