He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
