She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
