Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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