made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had sex on a roof
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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