The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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