I love black thongs
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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