Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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