On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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