So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
