Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
