saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
