He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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