my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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