quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
