your thong is hanging out like whoa
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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