listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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