So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
